Friday, June 25, 2010

Evaluating - ME

Okay, so that is a scary thought...

I have just been faced with myself and parts are not very pretty...

I am a pleaser. I want to please people. I want you to like me. I want things to be smooth and peaceful.

I would venture to say that one of my greatest fears is that you would not be "pleased" with me and you would not like me.

Having said that, I have come to realize that I have sold myself. I have not learned who I am. At age 60 that is a very sad commentary. It took me 25 years to tell my husband, who LOVES submarine sandwiches, that I do NOT like them! Yeah, he was shocked! I ate them without a word for 25 years. I hid my gags... and dislike, just to please him. Then one day, I told him. Every now and then, I can eat one and enjoy it. That is also a shock to him.

Sad ... I know ...

There are other things that bother me. There are many things that I have prayed/asked to receive but after having them, I soon find out that I really don't want them or am disappointed or they have become a bondage.

Then, I become a complainer and murmurer. Neither one is very befitting someone named "merrie"!

I have become my mama... She was good at being nice and sweet to your face, but to everyone else complain about what was going on and how she was being "used"...

Last night I was told that I was acting like a martyr. Pretty painful confrontation - but no offense taken because I was seeking answers.

So, in self reflection (with the help of the Holy Spirit) I have determined that I do not know myself and to my own self have not been true.

I have said one thing and meant another because I was trying to please and not hurt feelings. When the result has been that I have hurt myself.... again, SAD!

Fear of rejection pales in the light that the One who matters, loves me and did not reject me and will not reject me and will never leave me nor forsake me. In the light of that, I have NOTHING to fear!

So, I'm on a quest to become fully me. I am going to stop worrying about pleasing anyone but Jesus. I am going to seek after being all that I was created to be.

I'm sorry if you don't like me anymore. I'm sorry if you aren't pleased. I'm no longer going to seek your approval.

ahhhhhh, peace, joy, contentment!!!!!!


lailani said...

:) I came to sit down and find something to do so I would not think about the fact that my husband's ex wife just came in the back door (she rang the bell, but then came on in) and I kinda don't like that! So I was hiding from a part of me.

On a larger note, I am the same way. I tend to want people to like me and things to be nice. Sometimes being straight up honest with another about how we feel can be hard too.

You are doing good, and you know? Any friends you lose? Well that might not have needed to be friendship for either of you :)


Beverlydru said...

Hugs to you, my friend. First, on the previous post, I was humbled to realize someone is actually reading my tweets. Usually I feel like they're just disappearing into the huge twitterverse.

On being a pleaser... oh my, I know where you are coming from.

Isn't it awesome to know that God loves us exactly where we much our names are written in the pam of His hand. You are so valuable. Love you,friend.