Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Weekend Battle/Joy

This past weekend I did something that I rarely ever do. I stayed home from Oz alone.

Through the years I have allowed hurts and rejections and just stuff to build up. It was beginning to choke me and drown out my joy. I was to the point that I could not function.

About a month ago Hugsum and I had gone on a date to a concert. I should have been happy and joyful and enjoying it. I was not. I was on the verge of tears. I could hardly hold them in. I finally looked at him and said, "I have to have help".

This past year has been a hard one. I won't go into details, but I'll just say that I have been stripped down to the nubs emotionally and spiritually. I have been beaten up ... There have been so many battles on so many different fronts that I just completely closed up my emotions and did my best to make it through the day. I would fall into bed exhausted at 8.

I did not know how to handle any of what was going on and there was nothing that I could do about the outcome of anything - except pray... which is exactly what I did. I was numb and didn't feel anything, but I prayed.

So last week I just announced that I need to stay home. I needed to get Face to face with God. I HAD to have His touch and His healing.

Thursday night I had a dream/vision of a banner running through my head. It said, "I came to heal the broken hearted". It was in different fonts and colors... continuously changing.

I began to stand on that vision that my heart, which had been broken, would be healed.

I spent all day Saturday and most of the day Sunday in prayer and Bible study. I repented, I forgave, I was forgiven. I talked and prayed and shared with Father all that I could think of... everything that was in my heart and on my heart and He touched it and removed the pain. I was healed from the inside. I was healed from the hurts and pain.

By the time Hugsum got home, I felt free and had a deep joy. He said he felt like he had a new wife. It was wonderful!

I came to the point that if nothing about any of the circumstances changed, it is OK. I can live with it. I HAVE to live with it because it involves other's decisions. But the point is that I can live. I had been so depressed, so broken, so despondent that I didn't really care if I lived or not.

Please don't judge me. I have hope of my salvation. I was not about to take my life. I just did not want to live like I was living with so much grief and pain.

The circumstances did not change. I was changed!

I love that now I know that Jesus is enough. I don't have to worry. I don't have to fret. I don't have to be careful about what I say or do or think. He is enough. He can handle it all. He has restored my hope and my joy and renewed my purpose.

Can I tell you... that is such a relief and such a blessing! I wonder why I didn't do this sooner. Well, actually, I had not come to the end of myself. I had not bottomed out. I was still trying to "hold on" and figure it all out. I had to give up.

How nice it is now to not be burdened with grief and guilt and condemnation and striving to please.

Jesus is truly all I need!

Now... as a side note - I'm still far from perfect. I still blow it (I did yesterday). I still have to work through some issues. However, I am confident in the knowledge that no matter what, I am okay. I am going to be fine. I don't have to worry.... I can get back to that place. I know where it is and how to get there. I know the Answer!

ahhhhhhh, now THAT's the life worth living! I think that I'll enjoy my pool and the sunshine and the grandbabies and their parents that I can.

I love my life!

1 comment:

Beverlydru said...

Oh Merrie. I came over here looking for your cowboy cornbread and I found your heart. Thank God that he heals the brokenhearted. Thank God that He knows our pain and provided the balm. I admire and respect you for being real, right here. Love and blessings for an even deeper joy. You are so awesome, and God is even awesomer. : ) I know that's not a word but I wanted to make you smile.